Terminally Online Losers

Life advice or recursive self-own humor? Advice to my son - and everyone else

Mommy's all right
Daddy's all right
They just seem a little weird
Surrender
Surrender
But don't give yourself away
-Cheap Trick

In the current discourse surrounding masculinity, dating, and interpersonal relationships, there is a pervasive trend around the “alpha male” persona, often propagated by so-called “red pill” dating strategies and pick-up artist techniques.

And I can see why it seems plausible, because some of the people peddling it may seem to have certain trapping of success - or at least the casual metrics like “I made thousands of dollars last month as a social media influencer” or “well, look at my body count, the women are falling all over me and check out what a pimp I am.” It comes across as fundamentally quite trashy - but it comes across fast, on short-attention-span-theater channels like the modern internet and especially video streaming platforms like YouTube or TikTok, or really any even bite-sized-media like X/Twitter. Simple concepts fit into a sentence - or a meme - and grab your amygdala, and don’t really have to persuade you that this is how the world actually works if it looks like success-and-babes are just a matter of swagger and flash; “fake it until you make it” is not a new concept.

At its core, the alpha male archetype is predicated on the idea of dominance, assertiveness, and a display of traits which ought to be attractive to potential partners. However, this approach is rather superficial and fundamentally flawed. After all, it reduces human interaction to a game of manipulation, where sincerity is sacrificed at the altar of strategy - and even then, the word “strategy” is doing some heavy lifting. The red pill ideology, in particular, often frames relationships as a battleground, where one must employ various posturing tactics (and subtle putdowns) to put the other person in a certain mindset that helps you win over another's affection. This perspective not only undermines the complexity of human emotions but also devalues the other person, viewing them as a prize rather than a partner.

Authenticity, in broad contrast, thrives on the principle of being true to oneself. When one postures as an alpha male, they are essentially wearing a mask, a facade that might be momentarily appealing but is unsustainable in the long term. Relationships built on such pretenses are akin to houses built on sand; they lack the foundation of trust and mutual respect. Authenticity, however, fosters a connection that is resilient and profound because it is based on the reality of who you are, not who you pretend to be. Demonstrating leadership - which is what your alpha training is about - also involves accepting a connection to those you lead, and thus inherently revealing vulnerability through loyalty, which, contrary to the alpha male's fear that this portrays a weakness, is a strength in building intimacy - indeed, a mutual exchange of shared personal secrets and anecdotes is a common way to build trust, rapport, and friendships.

Moreover, sincerity in interactions should not be confused with effusiveness. Being sincere means your actions and words are aligned with your true intentions and feelings. It's about clear communication and genuine interaction, rather than over-the-top displays that aim to impress rather than connect. Sincerity encourages a relationship where both parties can grow, as it is grounded in honesty and openness, not purely in the manipulation of emotions or situations. That is not to say you cannot be effusive - some people are, some people are not; but you do not need to be initially that way (and it usually comes across a little odd if you’re completely lovestruck by someone right away, no matter how it looked in Romeo and Juliet…) And there’s of course a reasonable amount of flirtation-as-emotional-manipulation that we all engage in as part of any sort of positive relationship; one can think of that as almost a form of motivation in some respects.

Intellectual engagement with oneself and others is another cornerstone often overlooked in the pursuit of superficial alpha male traits. Being genuinely interesting involves cultivating one’s mind, passions, and interests - and learning how to express this effectively. This intellectual curiosity not only enriches one’s own life but also provides a foundation for engaging discussions and shared experiences in a relationship. It contrasts sharply with the superficiality of pick-up techniques, which often fail to delve into the depth of character or shared human experience, focusing instead on immediate gratification. You have undoubtedly heard the stereotype that women like artists: this isn’t just because a guy with a guitar or a stack of poetry drafts is somehow attractive in-and-of itself, but instead because someone skilled and talented at their art is attractive because of the effort they have taken to master it. Someone bumbling about on a guitar and demonstrating no skill is not likely to come across as anything but clownish, but a skilled musician can quickly convey the mastery of their art and serenade a single onlooker or an entire audience. It is harder to translate your skill at Minecraft into something that will impress the ladies, though apparently Clownpierce manages (don’t ask me). But don’t take up trying to dethrone the Joker-Poker - the time it will take to become the Number One Minecraft PVPer will atrophy your athleticism and social skills and everything may disappear into a haze of cringy Jack Black memes before it becomes any sort of social success for you.

It helps to excel at something publicly adulated - sports or entertainment or even school level politics, even though it's actually more valuable within society to be the guy who dependably gets things done. It does not actually matter in the real world that you were your school's student body vice president or whatever - I ran for student body Treasurer for my high school senior year and was somewhat surprised when I won it, and even more surprised at how much more socially popular I was my senior year, but I don't particularly correlate the two; if I were to guess it was more that I was tall, reasonably good looking, and good at basketball for a white guy. Yes, the stereotype is correct: white men can't jump - I couldn't quite actually dunk the ball - though it was close, and in retrospect it would have been impressive if I'd built up the vertical leap enough to do so; and I wasn't as fast up-and-down the court as some of the other kids, so I probably should have spent more time on working on the legs if I really wanted to do both of those. But the thing I could extremely reliably do was shoot baskets from a distance, so free throws were a breeze but more impressively I could very consistently do three-point shots. When the coach decided to train the team on zone defense - where all defending five team members break off and collectively guard the basket rather than each individually guarding one incoming player - this meant that they were all hanging out in the paint, making it difficult for low-skill players to drive in and do a lay-up shot, but all it meant for me was that I could just calmly come up to the three-point line and take a calm unmolested shot and score an easy three for our side. After the first two or three times I did that, the captain of the other side realized: zone defense doesn't work when we're playing against that sniper, and everyone would suddenly go back to usually a somewhat rough one-on-one defense. But that’s one of the functions of team sports as a kid: when you’re still in school, there are more areas where you can find not only a means to build social cohesion, but to demonstrate your own excellence in a public fashion where other people can see it: and as much as people may think it’s silly that girls would find you attractive because you’re better at putting a ball through a hoop than the next guy, there’s some truth to it. After all, it’s not just that: your teammates trust you, they take your lead, they follow your direction, they work together with you, they pass you the ball and trust that you’ll take and make the shot, and when you’re responsible for more than half the points scored in the game it’s a fairly reasonable contention that you won the game for your team. And anyone inclined to admire you will either already see it that way or could be very gently persuaded to see it that way without you having to sound totally arrogant. I may, however, have been totally arrogant; I do advise you to rein that in even if you do know how great you actually are, there’s a limit to how much anyone else is willing to put up with it and while a lot of girls enjoy being “pulled up onto the pedestal with you” many of them will get self-conscious about it after a while because if nothing else, their friends will give them crap about it. And really, nobody’s great at everything.

It’s okay to date people of different political persuasion or philosophical persuasion than yourself, as long as they’re not going to be crazy about it. Feisty about it can be fun; sometimes it makes for good moments of discussion or debate or verbal fencing. Of course, your girl is going to be disrespectful about it - or work against you - then this isn’t going to work out, and obviously if you can’t put up with her - then I don’t need to tell you that it isn’t going to work either, no matter how gorgeous or how fun she otherwise is. Usually people say that as something like “never sleep with anyone crazier than you” - good advice, though sometimes I think if everyone took it, humanity would die out - but if someone starts seeming too volatile or dramatic early in a relationship, it’s a good indication that they have a lot of emotional baggage and may just be more trouble than they are worth. The unfortunate state of the world is that there’s a lot of trash people out there, and if someone gives you bad vibes, trust your instincts - because even though appearances can be misleading, they're usually not. That’s why we call them instincts - you don’t need to be taught to be suspicious of people who give you bad vibes, you’re getting bad vibes because your instincts are telling you that - and why the twitchy guy with the really dilated eyes who doesn’t seem quite right feels like a threat even if it seems like he’s more likely to just fall over than lash out, or the guy shouting at traffic on the street corner, well, same for the girl who behaves irrationally towards everyone she’s ever dated but seems all too eager to rush into a new relationship.

The amateurish nature of pick-up artist strategies lies in their assumption that relationships can be engineered through formulaic interactions - as much as people approach things somewhat similarly, a “one size fits all” solution is very unlikely to work. Such methods are not only ethically questionable but also ineffective in forging long-term connections - I’ve even seen people even get married this way and still then realize, not terribly long thereafter, that this wasn’t going to actually work. These sorts of by-the-book-strategies neglect the individuality of each person, reducing the complex dance of human connection to a series of predictable steps, and as much as people are similar - it does them a disservice to think them all to be interchangable cogs. Real relationships - especially the ones you’d want - are dynamic, evolving with the growth of both individuals involved. They require understanding, patience, and a willingness to learn from each other, qualities that are antithetical to the manipulation or exploitation inherent in these strategies, which… let’s say, tend to undermine long term trust.

So with that as the baseline, you should also ask yourself: What do you want from a relationship? And it’s okay if you don’t know, at first - but it’s almost never okay to actually tell the other person that, or at least not literally that: if you legitimately aren’t sure, at least be more artful about it and say something to the effect of I want to get to know you. Let her see a bit about what fascinates you about her, what quirks she has that you adore, the things you hope to do together, little things you think she’d enjoy or that you think she should know about you. You don’t need to ramble at her, necessarily - some girls will love to hear your voice, others will like the strong silent type, some will want to hear you sing or talk about almost literally anything (and these are the girls who will stalk you in lecture hall or obsessively listen to your podcasts or attend all your poetry nights or open mic nights where your band is playing). And find out about her: give her the chance to shine with whatever she’s good at, what intrigues her, her favorite movies or songs, games or memes, her own aspirations and values, and what she feels is critical for her to talk about.

But give it some real thought before you go looking. A lot of guys have this stereotype that they want a feminine, pretty, obedient/submissive, pleasant, girly non-boss girl who isn’t threatening to them and who follows their lead. Or maybe they think they want a girl who is cute and horny and bisexual, and very into them, because that way they’re likely to have a ton of sex and a lot of threesomes, right? While this can be fun - if sexual chemistry is all you have, you will be absolutely stunned how quickly it gets dull. Of all people, Madonna famously said (well, sang): Satin sheets are very romantic, what happens when you’re not in bed?

Sooner or later, you will find that you would like to do something else with your girl and if you and she don’t have any points of mutual interest - or more to the point, if she bores you to tears when you’re both clothed, this isn’t going to be a lasting relationship. It’s ideal if she’s funny, or clever, or a good conversationalist, or can sing - or if you both enjoy dancing, or hiking, or various other shared activities. Maybe you like the same sorts of board games, or enjoy travel and want to see the same sorts of places, often you’ll have shared musical or other entertainment interests. I know it’s almost stereotypical to want to find a girl you can play video games with, and we were the reverse of the usual couple stereotype: I bought your mother whichever new console came out every year so that she could play whatever games she was obsessing about and I never bothered playing anything that used a controller unless she dragged me into some couch co-op game like Halo or Borderlands - though that franchise was pretty good. I didn’t otherwise own a console of any sort; I wasn’t much for television either - mine was mostly for watching movies - and I made a point of avoiding World of Warcrack and all that, while I know she enjoyed Everquest for a while - it wasn’t that I didn’t think I’d like those games, I figured I probably would, but my friends who were playing them all seemed to be both sort of enjoying them and sort of constantly dissatisfied and that sounded wildly unfulfilling. I snuggled up to her on the couch and worked on the laptop and watched her play Final Fantasy something-or-other and worked at making another fortune instead. That particular acquisition closed literally on our wedding day; obviously I let my partners handle the latter parts of it.

Or sometimes you’ll just try doing things the other person likes in the hopes you find some mutual interests. Way back when, early in the dating process with a different girl - let’s call her Nikki - we kept throwing things at each other that were misreads of what we thought the other liked, but we were both open-minded enough to try it. Eventually this got a little comical when Nikki started trying to pick out museum visits or the opera or other cultural experiences in an attempt to appear more highbrow - and consistently making awful choices, so I had to call her out on it and drag her back to bed - which, to be fair, was mostly what we had in common - and then we finally laughed and talked through it. Roller derby? Never been, but ok, sure, let’s try it. I suspected that Nikki had picked this as way of showing me off to her friends and/or of finding a playmate for a threesome; she later admitted it was yes to both. For what it’s worth, that was kind of fun but also kind of awkward - really, it’s only really going to be great if everyone involved is into it, otherwise it tends to be primarily for one person’s benefit and unless that’s you, you’re an actor in someone else’s play. Which can be really off-putting if you’ve caught feelings for them. This is probably not something to do with your spouse or serious partner, at least for most relationships.

It was fun to have a girl who also wanted to go out and pick up other girls with you, but when she wasn’t actively fun you wouldn’t necessarily want to be around her: Nikki had a lot of emotional damage from past relationships and that made her volatile; she had some fairly poor impulse control - after more than a few drinks at a party and a game of Never-Have-I-Ever, she decided to try to seduce my sister and I into a threesome, which as you might expect went over exceedingly poorly - I was tempted to lock her in the trunk of my car (I didn’t, but the threat to finally did get her back in line). Fundamentally she just wasn’t all that interesting when she wasn’t being a Good Time Girl. Now sure, she could tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue and she very much appreciated that I was a good chef - heaven knows she wasn’t, but most women overestimate themselves there - and she was a bundle of manic pixie chatterbox energy and hilariously bawdy songs any hour of the day or night. But my far more quiet and intellectual Vulcan girlfriend T’rin - outwardly repressed librarian though she blossomed with the proper attention - was more interesting most hours of the day, if less adventuresome in bed.

One of the stories that - of all people - Jeff Bezos used to tell back in the day was about Mackenzie Bezos, which has to seem particularly poignant under the circumstances. The gist of it: “I wanted a woman who could get me out of a third-world prison. Life’s too short to hang out with people who aren’t resourceful.” One wonders if his new girlfriend-and-apparently-now-fiancee Lauren Sanchez could get him out of a third world prison - perhaps she could pilot the getaway helicopter. One might also wonder if a disgruntled and apparently highly resourceful ex-wife with - let’s not forget - sixty billion dollars to her name (to be fair, less these days after her astounding philanthropy) - could put even Jeff Bezos into a third world prison, but that’s probably not actually in the cards.

It’s a common enough complaint from online neofeminists that men don’t want a relationship, they want a “bangmaid” - someone eager to have sex and to do their housework - to cook and clean and do their laundry and so forth.

Good Lord - aim higher! Yes, fine, any lasting relationship requires physical chemistry: if you don’t have that - and especially if you’re being intimate with someone else and thus triggering those bonding sensations with them - this isn’t likely to be anything other than friendship. When it comes right down to it, if you really click with your lady and you’re both an ambitious power couple - you can outsource all the rest of that; there’s certainly historical precedent for a live-in made or caretaker to do cleaning and laundry and potentially even a private chef (or simply frequent restaurant meals or take-out) to take care of a lot of the menial labor. Try not do to that for childcare - in-person time with your kids is important: I’m glad life has permitted that I’ve been able to be here to be a father for you in person, and I know the stereotype is that the mother cooks but I enjoy doing that for the family - and let’s be fair, I’m the better cook - so it’s good to have that as one of those things that brings us all together.

But when you’re looking in the first place - I think we all go through that period where we ask “Wait a second, I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, I’m conventionally attractive and behaving well and expressing myself and trying to catch the eye of the girl that I’m interested in, what the heck is wrong with me that I’m getting the cold shoulder” - and unsurprisingly, people get pretty maladjusted when the legitimate and expected social relationship patterns misfire or get no-sold. And that’s when guys tend to get dragged into the red-pill behavior of “well, the girls are clearly going to manipulate and gaslight you, so you need to manipulate them instead” and uber-chud Andrew Tate tries to sell you toxic advice instead, which is understandably Not Actually The Solution though a solid filter for distinguishing who you can actually deal with (or probably more to the point, Which Chicks Are Crazy) might do well for certain people including every teen boy ever.

Girls will have been sold the idea that they should be manipulating boys. You’ve seen some of that from the media, some of that from how your sisters friends treat guys or how they talk about them. Some of this is overt and ridiculous: the Failed Girlboss usually becomes Dolores Umbridge the Pink Fascist when her aspirations of imposing her will on society to institute what the new message of “girl power will displace men in charge” stalls out with her only as second-in-command of Human Resources or similar position. Some of it is more typical social manipulation of the flirting-and-batting-their-eyes-and-getting-things-from-you sort; a attractive flirtatious girl who tells you that it’s her objective to find the man in her life who will be in charge and who she looks forward to serving is either remarkably unambitious or is absolutely trying to play you. Don’t entirely overlook this, Eva Duarte - better known as Evita Peron - became one of the world’s most powerful women in the 1940s by aggressive social climbing, but for most people it plateaus rather startlingly, and of course she treated most everyone as a stepping stone. (Though sometimes I wonder if Kimberly Guilfoyle managed to thread the same sort of needle, but as ever, I digress.)

You’ve already learned to be decisive around your friends when they need leadership - I’ve seen you do this when they get unruly, and your friends respect and obey you when you tell them to shape up. It’s good to see you’ve taken my lessons to heart, and it puts you in a better position against others in your peer group when it comes to leadership among your classmates. But also, that same level of decisiveness will be appreciated it comes to dating. You needn’t be rude, and certainly sometimes your girl will want to take some initiative in the agenda - but usually she’ll be very happy for you to be in charge of the plans; I’m sure you’ve heard the jokes about the futility of asking your girlfriend about where she wants to go out to dinner because she’ll always be indecisive. This is true for even the best of ladies - usually she’ll be thrilled if you tell her “I’ve made reservations for dinner at Del Friscos” or if you think she’s feeling moody you might phrase it as “how about we catch dinner at Del Frisco’s tonight?” whereas if you throw her “where would you like to go for dinner” she is likely to either overanalyze it and take too long, come up with something you don’t want to do, resent being put on the spot when she’d actually prefer that you choose it, or perhaps view this as some sort of test when she’s already exhausted. If you think you should give her the choice, then just do that: “how about I take you out to Del Frisco’s or perhaps your favorite sushi place, or that new Italian restaurant that just opened down on second - which of those suits your fancy tonight, sweetheart?” It’ll save you both a lot of grief - and if she is really not in the mood for any of that and absolutely has to have something else, she’ll probably say so; this especially happens she’s expecting and the random food cravings mean Expectant Mommy Wants Phad See Ew again but under the circumstances, it’s worth accommodating the lady at that point, and let’s be fair, that conversation’s probably a ways off.

There are of course some relatively basic things that I should just check off as well - and I think you’ve basically got these down, but Obligatory Father Advice: Stay clean and properly groomed - shower daily and/or after exercise. Get a hairstyle that suits your look and similarly however you’re going to wear your facial hair don’t go for something doofy - our family tends to look good clean shaven or with a tight beard or goatee, not so much with just a mustache or a floofy beard, girls may like the look of stubble but they only aesthetically like it and after a little bit you start to just look like a homeless guy, when you’re somewhat older and have some solid muscle on you, you might try the Viking look and braided beard but save that for a ways out. Piercings and tattoos should be considered very carefully - in particular, piercings and long hair can be decided weaknesses in any sort of fight, and tattoos are inherently a very permanent sort of change in your body. I would discourage those sorts of body art - though I’ve considered both at various points in my life, and I had long hair for a while until I needed to be more mainstream - it worked well asthetically. Get and stay in good shape - you don’t need to be an insane gigachad, but something between a tennis or soccer player and a mixed martial artist is probably a good goal. Being a bodybuilder or He-Man is really pretty hard on your system, metabolically speaking. Dress relatively well - don’t be a slob, and if you feel to be on the top of the fashion curve: hire it out. You're not a fashion guru, no one you know is, your girlfriend (aspirations aside) probably isn't either. Hire a professional shopper. They're not expensive compared to a clothing budget. Turn them loose at Macy's or Nordstrom's, you don't need to go full Rodeo Drive and they'll make you look like a golden god. If you wear glasses, have them also pick out three sets of frames and three watches (choose your own favorite one or two of each) that match your style. And maybe some other male jewelry if you are the sort to wear bling. Basically let a pro accessorize you and then bask in the attention from your girlfriend and everyone else in proximity. Have goals and plans - both in life and on a smaller scale; this is things like what you want to do for the day or the week or on the particular date with your girlfriend, but also over the next few years or in your career or in your life. But this also helps with the goals of leadership and being decisive: it is much easier to lead when you know where you are going, even if it’s just saying “hey gorgeous, I’m taking you out ice skating this weekend.” Be brave and take calculated risks: not everything pays off (as the line of thought goes: if you are always winning, you are probably playing a game that’s too easy) - sometimes you will make all the right decisions and it will still not work out, sometimes you’ll approach a girl who you think ought to be a great match and for whatever reason she’ll brush you off or it will turn out that you just don’t click - and that sort of thing happens! (Though it may seem crushing at the time.) Be kind where you can and ruthless where you need to. The world has many good people and more than a few bad ones as well. And always take care of your loved ones.

When it comes down to it, the pursuit of an alpha male persona through red pill or pick-up artist techniques is not only a misguided approach but also a disservice to personal development and genuine relationship building. To engage in relationships in a manner that is both intellectually fulfilling and emotionally enriching - and in a way that will find you someone that actually you will want to be with long-term, one must embrace authenticity, sincerity, and a genuine interest in self-discovery and the exploration of others. This approach will not only lead to more profound connections but will also cultivate a deeper understanding of oneself and the intricacies of human relationships. In the end, the journey towards self-awareness and mutual respect far surpasses the fleeting allure of manipulation and posturing, and somewhat counterintuitively, you may discover some insights about yourself in a genuine relationship with someone else that will never come to you in a more one-sided situation. It is legitimately fun to show off what you are interested in and good at - and to let your lady do the same - sincerety about excellence goes a lot further than performative scripted negging and pick-up behavior.

Sooner or later, it seems like lasting relationships are not just built from finding someone you can live with but someone you can’t live without. It’s not that common to find someone you connect with that strongly; I used to joke that I knew I had found the right lady when I met your mother because I’d found someone who I liked who could actually put up with me, so I’d better grab her before she wised up. But there was at least a little bit of truth to that: I’d fallen for other people, other people had fallen for me, occasionally even both at the same time, and I’d gotten pretty good at telling whether I was actually long-term-compatible with someone - and there weren’t that many of them, because people can be pretty damned frustrating when it comes right down to it. So when you do find someone, and you both agree “this one’s the one” and “we have the same goals in life” (let’s be fair, often she’ll agree “I like your goals” if you have good ones and appear to be on track) and “we want at least roughly the same number of kids” - then make sure you’ve got her ring size right and find a clever way to propose, and sort out whatever else you need to while both your eyes are all still starry. It’s a lot of work, but it’s pretty amazing, and as always, everything worthwhile is going to require a lot of work to make it as great as it you deserve it to be.